Finding Me
Yes i know its been awhile. So much has happened that finding a start is a bit hard. Not to mention it could take awhile. Rather then writing of past events, i feel in my heart i should write about my thoughts.
For awhile I have been lost. I have been unhappy. I lack the passion i once had. I found myself faking most of my feelings. Sad part is, it wasn't very hard. I have always had the ability to dissect situations and to view them at different stand points. I pay attention to slightest details, especially in humans. Behaviors, actions, and feelings. I know the appropriate way to act and react to almost all situations. That alone has made it easy for me to fake my feelings, my emotions.
I really can't pin point the day but i can tell you how it came about. I became the person who had to be there for every one else. My life and my feelings became unimportant. Its what you do when you love and care for some one right. You drop everything to be there for them no matter how important. Well the messed up part of that is, it only went one way. See it was expected of me but when i needed guidance, help , a friend. I had to wait. I was not important to them. I was being selfish. I needed to realize they had a life and more important things to deal with. Yet when the tables turned, it was a different story. Rather carry the anger and hurt of knowing i was not worth it to them. I faked that it was ok. That i was strong. Oh yeah I'm sooo happy for you and I would love to solve your problems!
Eventually i became numb. Numb was easier to handle then to have the feeling that i was being used. That certain friends and family were the crappiest kind you could have. I had read before that friends will let you down and make mistakes and that you shouldn't be upset and to deal with it because no one is perfect. You shouldn't hold friends to certain expectations because they will fail. Well that was possibly the worst advice I ever read. That advice right there lead me down a wrong path. It taught me to close up and to not hold people accountable for there actions. To accept and move on. Yet allow myself to be taken advantage of over and over again. To allow these people to continue their behavior yet for me to strive to be the friend/family member i believe everyone should be.
Against my better judgement, i stopped following that inner voice. You know the one that gives you that gut feeling. I allowed everyone else to steer me in the wrong direction. I allowed them to guilt me into what they wanted. Always being told its the right thing to do. Allowing my home life, my husband, and my children to be unhappy. Yet when things went south, I was left to pick up the pieces alone. My family and I were the ones left to suffer. I neglected the opinions of my husband, mother and children. I allowed others to control and destroy my life.
I no longer will be that person. I refuse to be taken advantage of. I refuse to be guilt ed into decisions. I refuse to hold less worth then you. I refuse to put your happiness ahead of mine and my family's. Your words no longer hold power over me!
My family and home deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy, to find my passion in life again. More importantly I deserve to be me :) Oh and I will be holding people to my expectations and accountability. Why shouldn't I?
For awhile I have been lost. I have been unhappy. I lack the passion i once had. I found myself faking most of my feelings. Sad part is, it wasn't very hard. I have always had the ability to dissect situations and to view them at different stand points. I pay attention to slightest details, especially in humans. Behaviors, actions, and feelings. I know the appropriate way to act and react to almost all situations. That alone has made it easy for me to fake my feelings, my emotions.
I really can't pin point the day but i can tell you how it came about. I became the person who had to be there for every one else. My life and my feelings became unimportant. Its what you do when you love and care for some one right. You drop everything to be there for them no matter how important. Well the messed up part of that is, it only went one way. See it was expected of me but when i needed guidance, help , a friend. I had to wait. I was not important to them. I was being selfish. I needed to realize they had a life and more important things to deal with. Yet when the tables turned, it was a different story. Rather carry the anger and hurt of knowing i was not worth it to them. I faked that it was ok. That i was strong. Oh yeah I'm sooo happy for you and I would love to solve your problems!
Eventually i became numb. Numb was easier to handle then to have the feeling that i was being used. That certain friends and family were the crappiest kind you could have. I had read before that friends will let you down and make mistakes and that you shouldn't be upset and to deal with it because no one is perfect. You shouldn't hold friends to certain expectations because they will fail. Well that was possibly the worst advice I ever read. That advice right there lead me down a wrong path. It taught me to close up and to not hold people accountable for there actions. To accept and move on. Yet allow myself to be taken advantage of over and over again. To allow these people to continue their behavior yet for me to strive to be the friend/family member i believe everyone should be.
Against my better judgement, i stopped following that inner voice. You know the one that gives you that gut feeling. I allowed everyone else to steer me in the wrong direction. I allowed them to guilt me into what they wanted. Always being told its the right thing to do. Allowing my home life, my husband, and my children to be unhappy. Yet when things went south, I was left to pick up the pieces alone. My family and I were the ones left to suffer. I neglected the opinions of my husband, mother and children. I allowed others to control and destroy my life.
I no longer will be that person. I refuse to be taken advantage of. I refuse to be guilt ed into decisions. I refuse to hold less worth then you. I refuse to put your happiness ahead of mine and my family's. Your words no longer hold power over me!
My family and home deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy, to find my passion in life again. More importantly I deserve to be me :) Oh and I will be holding people to my expectations and accountability. Why shouldn't I?
posted by ariesgurrl25 @ 12:54 PM
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